[ Hey, look. There is a new kid here, there was a very painful ordeal they all went through. Lots of blight had been around, and then he- Archer- had to clean this mess, drag them home and take care of them.
Caster remembers that someone was making sure he wasn't too cold, or too hot in that bed of his. That, someone, made sure there were a small snack and water to drink ]
Tch- [ It would be completely normal for this person to get annoyed seeing how their patient is sneaking around instead of doing an adult thing and saying "hello, I feel better now" ] Do you really have to be so nonchalant about everything?
[ Like be angry, frustrated or worried, or literally anything than this calm homely mask. ]
[Archer freezes for a moment. His habit of hiding everything under the calm mask of indifference is just that, a habit he falls into when his emotions threaten to overwhelm him. It's much easier to distance himself and do what he has to, fall into a familiar routine of housechores broken only by checking on Caster and Judar.
He's not sure if he wants to know what his feelings are.]
No. [short, with a hint of irritation that hides the ugly mess beneath. Archer presses his palms flat on the counter in attempt to keep his calm.]
[Archer pinches the bridge of his nose. There's no use losing his cool, but at the same time there's no stopping Caster when he's dead set to pursue.]
Eat something first or you'll get sick. [there are some light snacks perfect to go with beer in the fridge; while Archer rarely drinks Caster does, and there's always suitable food. Once he sets the table Archer chooses to sit down.
How in the world did Caster manage to get past all of his defenses.]
[ Moments like this, the simple desire to irritate Archer, to get under his skin- just to get a reaction, a testament how different their personalities are. But then, he's not sure if this agitation is his own, maybe it's coming from his shinki. How can he tell? ]
It's for you, not for me. [ He puts the beer next to Archer. That's kind of like an apology. He also sits next to him instead of on the opposite side of the table. ]
[It is good enough for Archer. He reaches for the beer but doesn't open it yet. Instead he trails rim of the can.]
How do you feel? [he asks after a longer moment. Keeping a lid on his emotions is hard enough without additional worry about Caster's state. Given that both his and his partner's default reaction is simple 'I'm fine' despite standing in pool of own blood.]
[ Caster mulls on the reply for a moment, and decides to say- ]
I'm fine. [ Of -fucking- course. But at least it's followed by- ] I feel like shit, I mean- remember what Ginia went through. It's not a "fun" ritual.
[ And gives even more of the insight what shinki are subjected to. It's a careful way to walk, no wonder it's so easy to fall into the whole "conceal don't feel" that Archer is putting even right now. ]
But I'm certain someone who is a focus of it, has it much, much worse.
[Archer nods in confirmation - he does remember, and isn't surprised. From what he'd seen during Judar's ablution it's a torture to go through for both shinki and their god. There's stinging, blight, and the bond that shares all of shinki's feelings with the one that names them.]
He's still asleep. [no wonder with all the blight aside the ablution.]
[Shouldn't be the other way around? Archer wants to protest at first, but recognizes the gesture. It's touching, even in that roundabout tsun style. So he takes a sip of beer.]
I did take a nap. [a beat.] On your bed.
[With at least two dogs occupying the other side of Caster.]
Hn. [it's not as much iritation as awkwardness. Having someone as close as Caster is concerned about his health is something Archer has no idea how to react to.
Then there's the whole ablution and shinki stuff that he ended thinking about way too often in the past days. He leans towards Caster, their shoulders touching.]
It's not that easy. [he hesitates and adds as explanation.] Without the memories.
[ Caster freezes. That's probably something every shinki mulls over from time to time. And it's his job to gently steer away- Not his favorite part of the job. ]
Is lack of memories stopping you from napping? [ So he takes it to the logical extreme. He's concerned and he is trying to make it into a joke. ]
[In reply Archer tugs one of those long strands of Caster's hair and rolls his eyes. Of course it does, since before that prolonged nap his god took both of them saw how bad it can get.]
Not really. [a sigh.] I know what will happen if I try to seek answers or let it fester inside.
[He's not too keen on going through the ablution himself, but can't pretend he doesn't notice all the minute details or how these may fit the bigger picture.]
While I'm in no hurry to get any of my memories back, aside the one I have, I can't pretend that what I'm missing didn't leave any scars on my skin, or inside me. I can't ignore the fact that I have no knowledge about possible triggers, or even my own skills and abilities.
[ It's kind of realization for Caster, really. Lancer seemed unbothered by his new life, Ginia was troubled by it. Somehow Caster almost always assumed Archer is closer to Lancer in this spectrum.
But then Archer was always the best in hiding things. ]
[In a way Archer is somewhere inbetween the two. Carving a place and a path for himself and by himself, using his skills and abilities to help and protect those he cares about, slowly coming out of his shell. Yet there's that calm, analytical part of his mind that makes him aware of balancing a fine line between ignoring glimpses of the man he was and the possibility of asking a wrong question at the wrong time. The dread that each shinki feels when their questions hit too close home is a blessing in disguise. Archer rubs one of the scars hidden under his rolled-up sleeves.]
It makes me uneasy to think I may fail without knowing the cause or without being able to find a way to counter my reaction. [he has an inkling that he may not react well to finding himself in the middle of fire, if his memory is to take cues from. Although he has no recollection of his dreams, Archer surely has awaken once or twice from the nightmare afterwards.]
Sometimes I wonder how much of myself is left in the person I've become.
[ How would it be to not remember anything? Today your new life starts and you follow. Caster sometimes wonder, how would he react. And he knows he has no answer for that. He believes he would take it in stride at first, but later- later he could start to wonder.
But the duty to his god or goddess would be the most important and- shit. They're all kind of similar in that, aren't they? ]
I wish I had answers, I've only got thoughts if you don't mind me sharing them. [ He looks at the hand playing with his hair. It's a strong hand of a warrior, but also a warm hand of someone who cares about the home he holds dear. ] Archer- you will always be yourself. No more, no less.
[ Oh he wishes he had a way with words fitting for a real god. ]
But being yourself is not something static. We change through our lives, through circumstances. There are parts of us that, I believe, stay the same no matter what. [ Certain strengths, certain weaknesses, what defines the person ] But everything around that gets tampered, is a subject to change.
[Archer stills when Caster starts speaking. His- god, partner, friend - always helps him to see things in the right perspective. For all the differences and similarities, they are in perfect balance; at least he thinks so. Whenever he feels himself lost Caster shows him a way, sometimes by a complete accident. From the very beginning, aside the initial wariness, Caster has been striving to fulfill the role he's never been meant for. If not for him-
Archer would never stop to think himself merely a weapon.]
Yet the core stays the same. [he says slowly, his gaze never wandering from the blue strand of hair in his fingers. Such vivid color makes him think of the sky, wild and free.] A blade still stays a blade, even without rememberance what kind of shape it does retain.
[How lost would he be if not got the man that he's bound to. With their knowledge dormant and memories gone, shinki are malleable to whatever their god wants them to become. No matter if their personality - their core - is intact, they have nothing to rely on, save barest instincts and the god they belong to. Knowing the right from wrong doesn't make them understand why their choices are what they are.]
That's... one way to put it. [ Double fitting even so, with Servants being a weapon, but also shinki serving as weapons. It's hard to say which is a kinder fate. There is probably a bigger chance of getting a jerk Master than a jerk God, but with Masters, Servants are bound only for the Grail War. These don't last long. Gods and shinki are bound for much longer... ]
You know you're not just a weapon to me, right? [ While he has no problem if his Master were to see him this way, being in that role and doing the same... isn't something that comes to him easily. He treats his shinki more as comrades- friends. ]
[Instead of replying Archer raises the strand of hair to his lips. He's not sure how to convey all the feelings that threaten to overwhelm him. There's no denying how deep those feelings run.]
I know. From the beginning you treat me like a companion. I wouldn't feel like human if not for you.
[Archer's steel grey eyes are surprisingly soft and warm, with tenderness he tends to hide.]
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Caster remembers that someone was making sure he wasn't too cold, or too hot in that bed of his. That, someone, made sure there were a small snack and water to drink ]
Tch- [ It would be completely normal for this person to get annoyed seeing how their patient is sneaking around instead of doing an adult thing and saying "hello, I feel better now" ] Do you really have to be so nonchalant about everything?
[ Like be angry, frustrated or worried, or literally anything than this calm homely mask. ]
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He's not sure if he wants to know what his feelings are.]
No. [short, with a hint of irritation that hides the ugly mess beneath. Archer presses his palms flat on the counter in attempt to keep his calm.]
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He takes a beer can out of the fridge, changing his mind from a snack apparently. He takes it and walks to Archer and pokes his arm with it ]
Come on, drink.
[ Cold beer on empty stomach, perfect ]
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Eat something first or you'll get sick. [there are some light snacks perfect to go with beer in the fridge; while Archer rarely drinks Caster does, and there's always suitable food. Once he sets the table Archer chooses to sit down.
How in the world did Caster manage to get past all of his defenses.]
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It's for you, not for me. [ He puts the beer next to Archer. That's kind of like an apology. He also sits next to him instead of on the opposite side of the table. ]
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How do you feel? [he asks after a longer moment. Keeping a lid on his emotions is hard enough without additional worry about Caster's state. Given that both his and his partner's default reaction is simple 'I'm fine' despite standing in pool of own blood.]
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I'm fine. [ Of -fucking- course. But at least it's followed by- ] I feel like shit, I mean- remember what Ginia went through. It's not a "fun" ritual.
[ And gives even more of the insight what shinki are subjected to. It's a careful way to walk, no wonder it's so easy to fall into the whole "conceal don't feel" that Archer is putting even right now. ]
But I'm certain someone who is a focus of it, has it much, much worse.
[ Stiching yourself together, quite literally. ]
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He's still asleep. [no wonder with all the blight aside the ablution.]
You felt what he did, what he went through.
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[ That time there just was no time. And Archer followed without question, without chastising. What a perfect little Servant he is. ]
I'm grateful you were there.
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I'm still not sure if I did all I could. [he admits quietly, feeling comfortable enough in Caster's presence to voice his doubts.]
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Drink. Drink and go take a nap, you probably haven't slept for entire time.
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I did take a nap. [a beat.] On your bed.
[With at least two dogs occupying the other side of Caster.]
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[ Not that he's complaining- His bed is huge, and he certainly prefers it with a company rather than without. ]
But hey, progress. You took some time to rest.
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[It's better to hide beneath the lighthearted banter than speak honestly. At least partially.]
I'm trying to take care of myself too. [so that you won't have to worry about a zombie exemplar.]
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[ Caster's finally awake, he can really take care of his own stuff now! Really! ]
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Then there's the whole ablution and shinki stuff that he ended thinking about way too often in the past days. He leans towards Caster, their shoulders touching.]
It's not that easy. [he hesitates and adds as explanation.] Without the memories.
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Is lack of memories stopping you from napping? [ So he takes it to the logical extreme. He's concerned and he is trying to make it into a joke. ]
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Not really. [a sigh.] I know what will happen if I try to seek answers or let it fester inside.
[He's not too keen on going through the ablution himself, but can't pretend he doesn't notice all the minute details or how these may fit the bigger picture.]
While I'm in no hurry to get any of my memories back, aside the one I have, I can't pretend that what I'm missing didn't leave any scars on my skin, or inside me. I can't ignore the fact that I have no knowledge about possible triggers, or even my own skills and abilities.
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But then Archer was always the best in hiding things. ]
It's hurting you...
[ He should have seen this sooner. ]
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It makes me uneasy to think I may fail without knowing the cause or without being able to find a way to counter my reaction. [he has an inkling that he may not react well to finding himself in the middle of fire, if his memory is to take cues from. Although he has no recollection of his dreams, Archer surely has awaken once or twice from the nightmare afterwards.]
Sometimes I wonder how much of myself is left in the person I've become.
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But the duty to his god or goddess would be the most important and- shit. They're all kind of similar in that, aren't they? ]
I wish I had answers, I've only got thoughts if you don't mind me sharing them. [ He looks at the hand playing with his hair. It's a strong hand of a warrior, but also a warm hand of someone who cares about the home he holds dear. ] Archer- you will always be yourself. No more, no less.
[ Oh he wishes he had a way with words fitting for a real god. ]
But being yourself is not something static. We change through our lives, through circumstances. There are parts of us that, I believe, stay the same no matter what. [ Certain strengths, certain weaknesses, what defines the person ] But everything around that gets tampered, is a subject to change.
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Archer would never stop to think himself merely a weapon.]
Yet the core stays the same. [he says slowly, his gaze never wandering from the blue strand of hair in his fingers. Such vivid color makes him think of the sky, wild and free.] A blade still stays a blade, even without rememberance what kind of shape it does retain.
[How lost would he be if not got the man that he's bound to. With their knowledge dormant and memories gone, shinki are malleable to whatever their god wants them to become. No matter if their personality - their core - is intact, they have nothing to rely on, save barest instincts and the god they belong to. Knowing the right from wrong doesn't make them understand why their choices are what they are.]
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You know you're not just a weapon to me, right? [ While he has no problem if his Master were to see him this way, being in that role and doing the same... isn't something that comes to him easily. He treats his shinki more as comrades- friends. ]
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I know. From the beginning you treat me like a companion. I wouldn't feel like human if not for you.
[Archer's steel grey eyes are surprisingly soft and warm, with tenderness he tends to hide.]