Hn. [it's not as much iritation as awkwardness. Having someone as close as Caster is concerned about his health is something Archer has no idea how to react to.
Then there's the whole ablution and shinki stuff that he ended thinking about way too often in the past days. He leans towards Caster, their shoulders touching.]
It's not that easy. [he hesitates and adds as explanation.] Without the memories.
[ Caster freezes. That's probably something every shinki mulls over from time to time. And it's his job to gently steer away- Not his favorite part of the job. ]
Is lack of memories stopping you from napping? [ So he takes it to the logical extreme. He's concerned and he is trying to make it into a joke. ]
[In reply Archer tugs one of those long strands of Caster's hair and rolls his eyes. Of course it does, since before that prolonged nap his god took both of them saw how bad it can get.]
Not really. [a sigh.] I know what will happen if I try to seek answers or let it fester inside.
[He's not too keen on going through the ablution himself, but can't pretend he doesn't notice all the minute details or how these may fit the bigger picture.]
While I'm in no hurry to get any of my memories back, aside the one I have, I can't pretend that what I'm missing didn't leave any scars on my skin, or inside me. I can't ignore the fact that I have no knowledge about possible triggers, or even my own skills and abilities.
[ It's kind of realization for Caster, really. Lancer seemed unbothered by his new life, Ginia was troubled by it. Somehow Caster almost always assumed Archer is closer to Lancer in this spectrum.
But then Archer was always the best in hiding things. ]
[In a way Archer is somewhere inbetween the two. Carving a place and a path for himself and by himself, using his skills and abilities to help and protect those he cares about, slowly coming out of his shell. Yet there's that calm, analytical part of his mind that makes him aware of balancing a fine line between ignoring glimpses of the man he was and the possibility of asking a wrong question at the wrong time. The dread that each shinki feels when their questions hit too close home is a blessing in disguise. Archer rubs one of the scars hidden under his rolled-up sleeves.]
It makes me uneasy to think I may fail without knowing the cause or without being able to find a way to counter my reaction. [he has an inkling that he may not react well to finding himself in the middle of fire, if his memory is to take cues from. Although he has no recollection of his dreams, Archer surely has awaken once or twice from the nightmare afterwards.]
Sometimes I wonder how much of myself is left in the person I've become.
[ How would it be to not remember anything? Today your new life starts and you follow. Caster sometimes wonder, how would he react. And he knows he has no answer for that. He believes he would take it in stride at first, but later- later he could start to wonder.
But the duty to his god or goddess would be the most important and- shit. They're all kind of similar in that, aren't they? ]
I wish I had answers, I've only got thoughts if you don't mind me sharing them. [ He looks at the hand playing with his hair. It's a strong hand of a warrior, but also a warm hand of someone who cares about the home he holds dear. ] Archer- you will always be yourself. No more, no less.
[ Oh he wishes he had a way with words fitting for a real god. ]
But being yourself is not something static. We change through our lives, through circumstances. There are parts of us that, I believe, stay the same no matter what. [ Certain strengths, certain weaknesses, what defines the person ] But everything around that gets tampered, is a subject to change.
[Archer stills when Caster starts speaking. His- god, partner, friend - always helps him to see things in the right perspective. For all the differences and similarities, they are in perfect balance; at least he thinks so. Whenever he feels himself lost Caster shows him a way, sometimes by a complete accident. From the very beginning, aside the initial wariness, Caster has been striving to fulfill the role he's never been meant for. If not for him-
Archer would never stop to think himself merely a weapon.]
Yet the core stays the same. [he says slowly, his gaze never wandering from the blue strand of hair in his fingers. Such vivid color makes him think of the sky, wild and free.] A blade still stays a blade, even without rememberance what kind of shape it does retain.
[How lost would he be if not got the man that he's bound to. With their knowledge dormant and memories gone, shinki are malleable to whatever their god wants them to become. No matter if their personality - their core - is intact, they have nothing to rely on, save barest instincts and the god they belong to. Knowing the right from wrong doesn't make them understand why their choices are what they are.]
That's... one way to put it. [ Double fitting even so, with Servants being a weapon, but also shinki serving as weapons. It's hard to say which is a kinder fate. There is probably a bigger chance of getting a jerk Master than a jerk God, but with Masters, Servants are bound only for the Grail War. These don't last long. Gods and shinki are bound for much longer... ]
You know you're not just a weapon to me, right? [ While he has no problem if his Master were to see him this way, being in that role and doing the same... isn't something that comes to him easily. He treats his shinki more as comrades- friends. ]
[Instead of replying Archer raises the strand of hair to his lips. He's not sure how to convey all the feelings that threaten to overwhelm him. There's no denying how deep those feelings run.]
I know. From the beginning you treat me like a companion. I wouldn't feel like human if not for you.
[Archer's steel grey eyes are surprisingly soft and warm, with tenderness he tends to hide.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Not that he's complaining- His bed is huge, and he certainly prefers it with a company rather than without. ]
But hey, progress. You took some time to rest.
no subject
[It's better to hide beneath the lighthearted banter than speak honestly. At least partially.]
I'm trying to take care of myself too. [so that you won't have to worry about a zombie exemplar.]
no subject
[ Caster's finally awake, he can really take care of his own stuff now! Really! ]
no subject
Then there's the whole ablution and shinki stuff that he ended thinking about way too often in the past days. He leans towards Caster, their shoulders touching.]
It's not that easy. [he hesitates and adds as explanation.] Without the memories.
no subject
Is lack of memories stopping you from napping? [ So he takes it to the logical extreme. He's concerned and he is trying to make it into a joke. ]
no subject
Not really. [a sigh.] I know what will happen if I try to seek answers or let it fester inside.
[He's not too keen on going through the ablution himself, but can't pretend he doesn't notice all the minute details or how these may fit the bigger picture.]
While I'm in no hurry to get any of my memories back, aside the one I have, I can't pretend that what I'm missing didn't leave any scars on my skin, or inside me. I can't ignore the fact that I have no knowledge about possible triggers, or even my own skills and abilities.
no subject
But then Archer was always the best in hiding things. ]
It's hurting you...
[ He should have seen this sooner. ]
no subject
It makes me uneasy to think I may fail without knowing the cause or without being able to find a way to counter my reaction. [he has an inkling that he may not react well to finding himself in the middle of fire, if his memory is to take cues from. Although he has no recollection of his dreams, Archer surely has awaken once or twice from the nightmare afterwards.]
Sometimes I wonder how much of myself is left in the person I've become.
no subject
But the duty to his god or goddess would be the most important and- shit. They're all kind of similar in that, aren't they? ]
I wish I had answers, I've only got thoughts if you don't mind me sharing them. [ He looks at the hand playing with his hair. It's a strong hand of a warrior, but also a warm hand of someone who cares about the home he holds dear. ] Archer- you will always be yourself. No more, no less.
[ Oh he wishes he had a way with words fitting for a real god. ]
But being yourself is not something static. We change through our lives, through circumstances. There are parts of us that, I believe, stay the same no matter what. [ Certain strengths, certain weaknesses, what defines the person ] But everything around that gets tampered, is a subject to change.
no subject
Archer would never stop to think himself merely a weapon.]
Yet the core stays the same. [he says slowly, his gaze never wandering from the blue strand of hair in his fingers. Such vivid color makes him think of the sky, wild and free.] A blade still stays a blade, even without rememberance what kind of shape it does retain.
[How lost would he be if not got the man that he's bound to. With their knowledge dormant and memories gone, shinki are malleable to whatever their god wants them to become. No matter if their personality - their core - is intact, they have nothing to rely on, save barest instincts and the god they belong to. Knowing the right from wrong doesn't make them understand why their choices are what they are.]
no subject
You know you're not just a weapon to me, right? [ While he has no problem if his Master were to see him this way, being in that role and doing the same... isn't something that comes to him easily. He treats his shinki more as comrades- friends. ]
no subject
I know. From the beginning you treat me like a companion. I wouldn't feel like human if not for you.
[Archer's steel grey eyes are surprisingly soft and warm, with tenderness he tends to hide.]