[An envelope is slid under his bedroom door sometime around the morning. Inside are a few pages of writing all in Ginia's neat script. The first few pages are notes on the demonology books in her room; assorted notes and musings and drawings as she's worked through the books. There's a logic and process there and he's probably heard some of the questions over the last few months. The last page of notes has a sticky note attached to it with a short message: he's welcome to turn everything over to Shun if he would rather.
The next page contains directions on what to do with her room with an apology she wasn't able to take everything. If Archer goes to her room, everything she didn't take is neatly boxed up or sorted into labeled piles. The clothes she didn't take - a few assorted suits and formal outfits - can be donated or given to someone else. The demonology books are stacked on her desk with leftover stationary and pens to disseminate as he wishes. There's also the camera he bought for use on their investigations, cables and accessories bundled together, batteries charging. There's also an external hard drive with all the data collected from the investigations. The bedding is stripped down and folded, the floor cleaned. There's nothing to do but either move everything out or leave it as is.
Finally, there's a letter. From the phantom imprints left on the paper from previous pages, the twist of her letters as repetition and time take their toll on the hand writing, it's clear this was not her first draft. He will not find the other drafts, long burned to ash in the fireplace.]
Archer,
I love you.
It's unfair to open a goodbye letter like that, I know, and it's even more unfair to say it through writing instead of in person, but if I didn't say it, the rest of the letter wouldn't make sense.
I love you and I love Cú and that's why I have to leave.
By the time you read this letter, he'll already have released my name. Or maybe you find this letter before I talk to him. It's a possibility I've considered and I suppose I accept that risk. In that case, what happens, happens.
But if Cú releases me before you read this letter, then understand it was never a slight against him or you, but rather the realization what I wanted was different than what he could give, and I wasn't willing to break his views out of my own selfishness. We spoke about this once, of loyalty to a god versus ones own personal happiness. To be sure, I have been happier with no one else and there is still no one else I want to serve more than Cú Chulainn.
But I also can't serve only Cú Chulainn and there lies the problem.
I've been named by Alex and Ebisu. The first god you are probably not surprised by. The second likely is a surprise. All I can say is Alex is someone I wish to protect and through Ebisu there is something I can work toward. I was not coerced into anything, they were choices I made and I stand by them. I am staying at Ebisu's temple for the time being.
I'm sorry. I know I should tell you this in person. You're my friend, my lover, my exemplar. You are many things to me, and I think I was afraid you'd stop me. Maybe you'd change my mind, maybe your disappointment would break me, maybe you'd wall up and accept my decision with an air of indifference. I didn't want to know. Call me a coward, call me selfish, it's true.
I love you. There, I'm being unfair again. But I do. Since my first day, you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been kind, supportive, someone to admire and respect. You were always better than me and I hated that, but it gave me something to work toward. I never wanted to disappoint you or let you down and yet here I am.
My happiest memories are of you. You and Cú, separate and together. Both of you are wrapped so deep into my life I'm afraid what will happen once I leave. But I'm afraid if I stay, my feelings, my wants, everything will turn to resentment and I'll hurt you two. I've seen an ablution, I know how bad it can get, I can't do that to either of you.
So I'm leaving. Let that be a final act of love.
I ask for nothing in return, I have no place to give orders, but please take care of yourself. Take care of Cú, take care of Lancer, but please, take care of yourself. You deserve good things, want something, take it, be selfish.
I won't come by the temple unless any of you will it. I understand if you don't want to talk to me either.
[Archer finds the letter not long after. He quickly skims first few pages until he gets to the letter. This he takes time to read, pausing from time to time. His expression changes - from the surprise mixed with concern at first, through bewilderment to settle on a frown as he reads the final words.
It's unsettling to think someone idolizes him and loves him, perhaps the first more than the latter. There's the old, deep set feeling of not deserving good things, and the doubt if the one Ginia loves is truly him, or some idealized image. There's bewilderment at how things progressed without him realizing. There's also a hint of annoyance at Ginia using his real name that he never shared with anyone but Caster.
'Let that be a final act of love.'
For a long time he just stands here, not looking at anything in particular. Finally he carefully folds the letter and hides it at the bottom of the drawer. Archer leaves the temple with a frown, heading straight to the archery range.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
January 17th
The next page contains directions on what to do with her room with an apology she wasn't able to take everything. If Archer goes to her room, everything she didn't take is neatly boxed up or sorted into labeled piles. The clothes she didn't take - a few assorted suits and formal outfits - can be donated or given to someone else. The demonology books are stacked on her desk with leftover stationary and pens to disseminate as he wishes. There's also the camera he bought for use on their investigations, cables and accessories bundled together, batteries charging. There's also an external hard drive with all the data collected from the investigations. The bedding is stripped down and folded, the floor cleaned. There's nothing to do but either move everything out or leave it as is.
Finally, there's a letter. From the phantom imprints left on the paper from previous pages, the twist of her letters as repetition and time take their toll on the hand writing, it's clear this was not her first draft. He will not find the other drafts, long burned to ash in the fireplace.]
Archer,
I love you.
It's unfair to open a goodbye letter like that, I know, and it's even more unfair to say it through writing instead of in person, but if I didn't say it, the rest of the letter wouldn't make sense.
I love you and I love Cú and that's why I have to leave.
By the time you read this letter, he'll already have released my name. Or maybe you find this letter before I talk to him. It's a possibility I've considered and I suppose I accept that risk. In that case, what happens, happens.
But if Cú releases me before you read this letter, then understand it was never a slight against him or you, but rather the realization what I wanted was different than what he could give, and I wasn't willing to break his views out of my own selfishness. We spoke about this once, of loyalty to a god versus ones own personal happiness. To be sure, I have been happier with no one else and there is still no one else I want to serve more than Cú Chulainn.
But I also can't serve only Cú Chulainn and there lies the problem.
I've been named by Alex and Ebisu. The first god you are probably not surprised by. The second likely is a surprise. All I can say is Alex is someone I wish to protect and through Ebisu there is something I can work toward. I was not coerced into anything, they were choices I made and I stand by them. I am staying at Ebisu's temple for the time being.
I'm sorry. I know I should tell you this in person. You're my friend, my lover, my exemplar. You are many things to me, and I think I was afraid you'd stop me. Maybe you'd change my mind, maybe your disappointment would break me, maybe you'd wall up and accept my decision with an air of indifference. I didn't want to know. Call me a coward, call me selfish, it's true.
I love you. There, I'm being unfair again. But I do. Since my first day, you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been kind, supportive, someone to admire and respect. You were always better than me and I hated that, but it gave me something to work toward. I never wanted to disappoint you or let you down and yet here I am.
My happiest memories are of you. You and Cú, separate and together. Both of you are wrapped so deep into my life I'm afraid what will happen once I leave. But I'm afraid if I stay, my feelings, my wants, everything will turn to resentment and I'll hurt you two. I've seen an ablution, I know how bad it can get, I can't do that to either of you.
So I'm leaving. Let that be a final act of love.
I ask for nothing in return, I have no place to give orders, but please take care of yourself. Take care of Cú, take care of Lancer, but please, take care of yourself. You deserve good things, want something, take it, be selfish.
I won't come by the temple unless any of you will it. I understand if you don't want to talk to me either.
Goodbye, Emiya, I love you.
Ginia
no subject
It's unsettling to think someone idolizes him and loves him, perhaps the first more than the latter. There's the old, deep set feeling of not deserving good things, and the doubt if the one Ginia loves is truly him, or some idealized image. There's bewilderment at how things progressed without him realizing. There's also a hint of annoyance at Ginia using his real name that he never shared with anyone but Caster.
'Let that be a final act of love.'
For a long time he just stands here, not looking at anything in particular. Finally he carefully folds the letter and hides it at the bottom of the drawer. Archer leaves the temple with a frown, heading straight to the archery range.
He's going to practice for a very long time.]